Public breakups and misogyny in bandom

[sparkfrost]

If you hadn't heard already, according to her blog, Keltie broke up with Ryan yesterday morning. She posted another update later that evening. The first post has, at last count, 170 comments. The second post has 80. While many of these are simple messages of sympathy and encouragement, there are a few that do either one of two things: either the commenter has overly empathized with Keltie and believes that only they understand each other's pain, or someone is bitching Keltie out for posting about the breakup on her blog.

First group: take a chill pill. Yeah, being cheated on sucks, but you are not a special and unique snowflake for having it happen to you. Just because something similar happened to both you and Keltie does not mean that she will be your new BFF. She has her own friends and family, and while she is taking comfort in the messages of support, she is not going to single you out just because you wrote 5 long paragraphs and said you would "send her light". Yeesh.

Second group: Fuck off. It is her blog. It is her relationship, it is her life. You may not like that she posted information online, but let me reiterate: it is her blog! She can post whatever the hell she wants there! No, bitching her out "on Ryan's behalf" does not make it better. Like it or not he is a public figure, and when public figures break up with their significant others details get leaked. You can be made uncomfortable by it, sure, but there is a simple solution to that problem: Don't read it! Don't read her blog posts, don't follow her on Twitter, don't find her everywhere she is online and then get pissed off when you read personal stuff! She is a woman who has just had her heart broken, let her fucking vent and get what comfort she can from those who understand and sympathize.

Another thing? Trashing another girl doesn't make guys like you. Shocker! I know. But its true! So all you little fans who hate every single girl the boys interact with? Stop it. Hating them will get you nowhere. It will get you pitying condescending looks from me, but thats about it. Because here's the secret: guys like girls (and girls like girls, if thats what you're into) who are wholly their own person. Who are self-actualized, have their own goals and ambitions and don't let their lives revolve around whoever they are or want to be sleeping with. Remember how all those YM and Seventeen interview with guys have the guys saying confidence is sexy? That's because it is!

One thing that can turn me off anyone, no matter how good looking they are, is constant bitter trash-talking. There is a difference between snark and jealous ranting, and if you are constantly doing the second then I don't want to be around you. For example: The Fug Girls are snarky. They mock clothing, hairstyles, career paths- but they do it humorously, with more than a grain of self-deprecating humor thrown in. fbr_secrets? You're doing it wrong. The amount of hate directed towards Victoria, Cassadee, Greta, Ashlee, Keltie, etc is staggering. And frankly, disgusting. Why would I want to talk to someone who can't think of anything to say but nasty shit about other people? That shows me that you don't care enough about yourself for me to invest any of my time or energy into you. In short, no matter how pretty your outside is, your inside is fug and it drives people away.

So, lets go over this one last time, shall we? 1)Don't overidentify with celebrities you do not know. 2)Tearing apart other people makes you look bad.

Got it? Awesome.

Comments

[channonyarrow.livejournal.com]

It took about five minutes one time to realise why MCR has explicitly stated that they have no interest in being involved with their fans, and you've caught that exactly here - why would someone want to be with someone who's just gonna give them the same adulation they get for their job? Or, worse, who's going to pretend that they want to give them that adulation and then be really involved in tearing them down and being possessive - I guess the best term there is abusive - because the two individuals are not on a par as far as self-actualisation and confidence go.

♥

[sparkfrost.livejournal.com]

Exactly! There is a reason tv shows have so much fun with teh "love potion" premise- because that kind of obsession gets scary, really fast. I personally do not want someone to worship me, and I don't want to be in a relationship where I'm supposed to blieve that the other person's shit doesn't stink.

We're all fucking human, and the best way to find someone you are compatible with is to find someone who is really happy with themselves. In my opinion.

[silverdragon729.livejournal.com]

I had no idea this girl existed before you pointed me to that blog, and after doing a bunch of detective work on my own, I'm proud to say I figured out who she is, although that doesn't mean I've figured out how to give a shit like those crazy-asses.

I totally read some of those comments, and that one person who wrote, like, 8 paragraphs is wacked out of their gourd. At first, it reads like someone who has known the poster for a long time, and then their references to "ripping his face from the posters" and all that just make me want to laugh.

WHY ARE THEY SO IRRATIONALLY ANGRY? Maybe it's because they've invested too much hero worship into Ryan Ross (seriously?), but come on.

[sparkfrost.livejournal.com]

Ah yeah, sorry, bandom-involved rant.

And yes! None of these commenters know either party involved! All of these over the top protestations of support for her and hatred for him are making me stare in a kind of wide-eyed hooror.

I felt bad for her, so left a comment saying so. But then, I'm not expecting to be singled out of the crowd, you know?

[silverdragon729.livejournal.com]

It IS too bad. But, it's like, it's her blog for saying what she wants. And it's not like she's going to suddenly be friends with a bunch of people who have been through the same thing, just because they responded to a blog about it.

This reminds me of the Taylor Swift-Joe Jonas break-up. People are on "Team Taylor" or "Team Joe" and they often go to great lengths to decry their support. I've seen them going on the other group's website and spamming them. Like, yeah, Joe Jonas acted like an ass (at least, in my opinion) but the both of them are just kids. They shouldn't have to deal with all these people getting in their business about it. He acted immaturely because he IS immature. And now they're making it impossible for her heal because they won't let her forget what happened.

Fans just need to stay out of celebrities' lives sometimes. Shit. Like, Britney Spears could have gotten help if the paparazzi weren't constantly making her situation worse.

[sparkfrost.livejournal.com]

I think people also need to realize that celebrities are people too. Sure, Keltie is a Rockette and was dating a band member- but she's also a girl who just found out her boyfriend was cheating. I don't get all the people who are *angry* at her for being upset! RAWR!

[silverdragon729.livejournal.com]

I guess some people just canonize celebrities until they are like Gods to them. And if they act poorly, it ruins the people's perception of the world that they have built upon men's shoulders.

[forcedmovement.livejournal.com]

God, thank you. Both of those responses drive me nuts. What happened between them sucked epically, but these are both human beings who deserve to be treated as such. Making either of them into a villain or a martyr is just wrong.

♥ My flist is being so wonderfully sane about this. It makes me so happy.

[sparkfrost.livejournal.com]

For the most part my flist is being sane as well, which is excellent.

But yes! They are both human! I wish people would try treating them like it.

[todayimfine.livejournal.com]

♥

[sparkfrost.livejournal.com]

Back at you!

[ficsoreal.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[sparkfrost.livejournal.com]

You are very welcome. Thank you for reading!

[anothersadsong.livejournal.com]

i feel so, so bad for her, but i'm not gonna reply because, you know, i don't know her. on all sides of the spectrum, people make me facepalm.

[sparkfrost.livejournal.com]

I replied to her because I felt bad. But I pretty much said, "I'm sorry, I hope you get through this" and left it at that. The people making me headdesk are the ones who are either saying "OMG RYAN IS TEH WORST I HATE THE BAND NAO" or "OMG KELTIE DUH HE CHEATED ON YOU, YOU SUCK AND I HATE YOU". Both of which make me want to reach through the computer screen and choke a bitch.

[anothersadsong.livejournal.com]

agreed!